Friendship Union Community Theater - Pilot Episode (Prequel)

[music starts]

[opening slide reads: ‘Southern Gothic Productions’]

[open to control room, day. Clarisse Birdsong, early 30s, urban but artistically ragged, disarmed and spent, a limp smile, sleeps with her head atop the lighting board]

Clarisse: [voice over] I know what you’re thinking. Why would I, Clarisse Birdsong, a fairly respected woman of the New York theater world, be passed out in the control room of a community theater in rural Florida

[flash to Clarisse in dressing room, holding a pill she found on the table] after taking what I believe to be a vagrant Xanax in the dressing room? [takes pill] Well, I’ll tell you one thing. That was no Xanax.

[flash back to control room] But at least I’m smiling. I’m smiling because I’m dreaming. I’m dreaming of John Malcovich

[cut to slide of sketch of John Malcovich] holding me in his hirsute arms as Bernadette Peters [cut to slide of Bernadette Peters] and Patty Lupone [cut to slide of Patty Lupone] mince words over who gets to present me with my first Tony. [slides of Bernadette Peters and Patty Lupone alternate over fist fight sounds]

[cut back to control room] The chance, or perchance, to dream is all I have now.

Last week, [cut to framed picture of Mel] the man who first introduced me to theater, my Uncle Mel, died of a clotted erection. [camera pans wall of production posters] He opted for a closed casket. His dying wish was that I take over his theater, this theater. Coupled with the fact that a week before I was forcibly and bluntly penetrated by a review in the New York Times, [man fixes the ‘Auditions Today’ sign on door] well, that’s why you find me here. [cut to control room] I’m holding auditions today for new ensemble members. Pray for me.

[a finger taps Clarisse’s forehead]

[cut to Walter the Stage Manager, 20s, nebbish but demented, wearing an Anthony Hopkins mask over his face]

Walter (as Hannibal Lector): Hello Clarisse.

[Clarisse awakes and then startles]

[Walter removes the mask; he wears glasses beneath it]

Clarisse: [voiceover] That’s Walter, my stage manager. It seems he carries a lingering obsession with me.

Walter: I’ve been waiting to do that since the moment we met. [Beat] First actor is here. Auditions commence.

[cut to Clarisse and Walter walking down auditorium stairs. Walter stands at top]

Walter: Hey Clarisse. [Clarisse stops, but doesn’t turn around] Y’know those sugar dispensers at diners with the metal lids, [Clarisse nods] the real [makes hand motion] girthy ones? [Clarisse continues down the stage] That’s pretty much what I’m holding on to, if you catch my breeze…

[music plays and title slide reads: ‘Friendship Union Community Theater’]

[open to inside of theater. Clarisse sits in the audience. Walter enters stage right.]

Walter: [announcing] Ms. Fonda. [exits stage right]

[Joan Birdsong, late 40s, bright and brash, and wearing black, enters stage left. She comes to center, poses]

Joan: [coy] Hello. My name is… Fonda!

Clarisse: Aunt Joan, what are you doing?

Joan: I’ve changed my name to Fonda!

Clarisse: I’m not surprised. What are you doing here?

Joan: Listen, kid. Your Uncle Mel ran this theater for 27 years, and not once did he let me set foot on this stage. [pretends to smoke a cigar] ‘Over my dead body,’ he said. Well he’s dead, kid, and I’m standing here now. Make me a star, kid, a star! [belts]

Clarisse: [calling off] Next.

Joan: That was my Mam Rose. [belts again]

Clarisse: Next!

Joan: That was my Eliza Dolittle! [warbles]

Clarisse: [yells] Next!

Joan: That was my Audrey, and now for my Audrey Two --

Clarisse: I’m saying ‘next’ because I want you to stop, not because I want to hear anything else.

Joan: Have you forgotten, kid, that we’re family? Thick as thieves. I have once seen your hootenanny.

Clarisse: [yells] Walter!

Walter: [appears behind Clarisse] [to Joan] What does it look like?

Clarisse: [sighs in frustration with Walter] Next…

[cut to Walter entering stage right]

Walter: Simon Murgitroyd. [exits stage left]

[Simon Murgitroyd, 20s, a possibility for a leading man-type, enters stage right]

Clarisse: [with relief] Hello Simon. What will you be performing today?

Simon: I wrote a song for my one true love.

Clarisse: Whenever you’re ready.

Simon: [sings] Your hair is frosted white, and I never met a woman who could wear her pantsuit quite like you, Judith Light. And every night I’m hoping that I find you on the Lifetime Move Network or in syndication, Judith Light.

[subtitle reads: ‘3 minutes, 22 seconds later…’]

[Simon is dancing as Clarisse watches tiredly until she starts laughing]

[subtitle reads: ‘6 minutes, 35 seconds later…’]

Simon: [crescendoing] Angela! I’ll have you know I’m hung like Tony Danza. So would you back up on it like an endangered panda till you can’t stand up. For 3 days and nights. Oh, Judith Light. [hesitantly walks off stage]

Clarisse: I wish I could say that was just pitchy.

[cut to Walter, entering stage right, his two hands shaping a heart held up to his eye, a love token to Clarisse]

Walter: Fern Disco. [exits stage left]

[Fern Disco, 70s, slow but excited, enters stage right]

Fern: Hello! My name is Fern Disco.

Clarisse: Fern, I know who you are. You’re an establishing member of Friendship Union.

Fern: I’m here to audition for the Friendship Union Community Theater!

Clarisse: Fern, this audition is for new members! You’re already a member.

 Fern: Oh. [beat] Do I have my own dressing room?

Clarisse: No.

Fern: Can I?

Clarisse: I don’t think so, Fern.

[Fern smiles dim and doe-eyed, but with a tinge of crazy]

Um, maybe?

[cut to Walter, entering stage right with squirt bottle]

Walter: [squirts bottle] Parker J. Parker. [exits stage left]

[Parker J. Parker, 21, very good looking, enters stage right]

Clarisse: Hello, Parker. Will you be doing a song or a monologue today?

Parker: I’ve got both.

Clarisse: Excellent. Why don’t you start with the monologue?

[Parker clears throat, takes his shirt off, stands there. After a beat, he smiles at Clarisse]

Clarisse: [waits for him to start] That it?

Parker: [poses] ‘Sup?

Clarisse: That’s it?

Parker: This is how Mel told me to audition last year. So…

Clarisse: That information I could have done without.

Parker: Do you want to hear my song? [starts to unbuckle his belt]

Clarisse: [considers it] No, no!

Parker: So, is it cool if my girl comes to play practice?

Clarisse: It’s rehearsal, not play practice, and I haven’t cast you yet.

Parker: Yeah, can my girl come?

Clarisse: Oh my god.

[cut to Walter entering stage right, holding a sugar dispenser]

Walter: Crimson LaCroix. [shakes out sugar in front of him and exits stage left]

[Crimson LaCroix, 20s, a good ingénue look, enters stage left]

Crimson: Mind if I use this chair?

Clarisse: Not at all.

Crimson: [brings an adjacent chair to center stage, sits] Well, as I’m sure you’re aware, I could come on here and take a dump on the stage, and it’d probably be more relevant than anything else you’ve seen today, but I just had coffee, so I just thought I’d read a little excerpt from the newspaper.

Clarisse: That’ll do.

Crimson: [removes a newspaper from her purse and scans it] Blah blah blah. Ah, here we go. [reads] ‘It was not a resurgence of the bird flu epidemic that had me at once feeling so nauseated, but rather an avian sickness of another kind: the lame-duck direction of the once significant Clarisse Birdsong. Let it be said that this production will be the dissonant swansong that blips Miss Birdsong right off the off-Broadway radar into clay pigeon oblivion. Her tune, though in recent years quite tender, has digressed to little more than a warble. Her tail feathers, once peacock proud, should now reside firmly between her legs.’ [stops reading] Yeeesh!

Clarisse: Why would you do that?

Crimson: Because I’m the only person in this little town that can save you from getting another review like this. Also, I’m a bitch. [smiles] You can typecast me if you want. [exits stage left]

[blackout]

[roll credits]

[inside theater, later, a woman’s hand knocks on the entryway]

[Enter Ramona Blackhorse, 20s, wide-eyed, wily, and well put-together, leans into the theater]

Ramona: [sing-song] Hello?

Clarisse: [off screen and defeated] Hello.

Ramona: [peers around the corner to see Clarisse slumped in her same seat] Clarisse ‘Ding-Dong’ Birdsong!

Clarisse: [stares with complete disbelief] Hi! [voice over] Ramona Blackhorse. Nemesis. Adolescent archenemy. The inescapable chin hair of my existence.

Ramona: God, it has just been way too long!

Clarisse: Oh, no, it really hasn’t!

Ramona: Well, I mean, wait, when’s the last time we saw each other? Oh. Oh, no! It was when my limo hit your prom date!

Clarisse: Oh, yeah.

Ramona: Oh, man. [beat] Well, I mean, you look great! Really! Really refined. And I heard you were having auditions today, so I just wanted to pop my pretty little head in and say ‘hi’! I am so happy that your uncle died. I mean, the stuff he was doing here was… ugh. But you’re going to be great! I just know it.

Clarisse: You still acting, Ramona?

Ramona: No, no, no. You cannot be the ingénue forever. Actually… I’m the local theater critic now. It’s just bonkers, right?

Clarisse: Definitely.

[camera turns to see Walter sitting behind Clarisse as he pours the sugar dispenser out]

[blackout]